Tuesday, March 31, 2009

That's not your jacket?


So it's been a long time but a new post must rise again like the sun in the east. There is much to tell and to discuss but there is also much time in which to do it, so let's take our time and properly reacquainted.

Today's hypothetical has to do with the residuals of romance. What does one do with leftover, unclaimed belongings and articles of clothing? The obvious answer would be to return those things to their proper owners so all parties can go back to being as happy as a 30-year-old maid of honor meeting the groom's single brother.


The problem comes in when one has no idea what belongs to whom. Uh-oh. Who's shirt is this? Where did these earrings come from? I don't recall playing rugby at Florida State and I certainly don't have a dog.

Do you find yourself asking these questions? Here's a novel solution. Stop playing away games and take your special friends back to your place. Or, if you live in a house with no furniture, get creative with it and erect a lost and found. A general lost and found is a great way to avoid being the person who chucks peoples clothing in the trash (we're in a recession), to not be the person who gets called out for having the semi-conspicuous balled up pink scarf in the corner, and to not be the person who tries to return something to the wrong party.

I tried to give earrings back once, they weren't hers...pause...yeah...Well it was ok that time, but the bottom line is it could have been far worse. The key to the lost and found is to not include anything that implies sexual encounter or that shows that only certain type of people leave stuff at your house. Keep the clear heels and shinny Versace clutches to a minimum (ahem, J-Lo). Keep at least 1 gender neutral item in there so you don't look like a total skee-hoe.

Most importantly, do not bring the Lost and found out in the open unless someone asks specifically for something they lost. No one wants to explain why most of Victoria's secrets are sitting in a Whole foods bag in your closet.

Keep a clear head and clean house and there won't be any questions posed because you would have been exposed on Room-Raiders. Clean it up.

FYI: April 5: Opening day for the World F-Ing Champion Phillies
April 25: Opening day for skirts.