Sunday, October 19, 2008

Ladies of the night...


I love the night of fright, the day of the dead, the eve of the evil. There is something magnificent about Halloween that trumps the glory of all other holidays. As a red-blooded American male, I always enjoy the sight of some lovely women sauntering around town, but I often find myself wondering: "Hmm...I wonder what that woman would look like as a pirate hooker", or "I wish that group of girls sitting over there were dressed like the Pussycat Dolls"(See Left).

Enter, Halloween. The great payback. That's right, payback. Halloween is the opposite of Valentines Day. Skeptical? Let me break it down for you. What is Valentines day, really? Valentine's is a day of capitalism and misery. Valentine's makes men everywhere purchase expensive gifts they don't want to buy for women who don't need get them.

It is common to see men engage in grandiose gestures of superficial and played-out ideas of love. Hallmark, Neiman Marcus, and Debeers force feed their messages of gratuitous consumption into the minds of men nation wide. And we men dutifully respond as we rush out to buy the best roses (at a 300% markup) and to select the finest diamond engagement rings for women we don't even really want to engage. The Valentine's day holiday is made for women and it would seem that men received little in return for their gallant and chivalrous efforts, until I found this missing counter-balance for this little equation.

Halloween is the great equalizer. Women kind pays the menfolk back in droves. There has never been a better excuse for women to give in to their suppressed moral flexibilities and to dress up in the most skank-tastick outfits they can paint on. Halloween: Making normal girls dress up like rap video chicks since 1793. Slutty is the new prude and Anal is the new oral. Half naked? It's great and look, and look at the variety of costumes available: And frog (watch the video and it will make sense). Ladies, please do us men folk a favor on Halloween night. When you are looking into that mirror thinking that you look like Tila Tequila in that top or that if your skirt was any shorter it would be a belt; open up another button on that nurse's uniform and hike that mini up another inch or two for the men in your life. It's only for one day of the year and we'll make sure to try to give you some extra respect the next morning. Trick or treat.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Deception Point

They say it's hard out here for a pimp...but I don' think that to be so. In my recent intermittent dealings with the fairer sex, after a very long hiatus, it has come to my attention that the rules for what constitutes a date have changed. Where formally dating progression looked something like: Safe coffee/drinks, leading into no-strings attached lunch, which culminated into a feelings-free-for all dinner, now the dating world feels more like a blindfolded jog through a mine field and less like a magic eight ball of opportunity. Are we going out to eat or is that a bad idea because you are a vegan who only eats locally grown products? Are we going bowling or do you have problems with recycling athletic shoes? I suppose these types of issues are standard parts of getting to know the person with whom one is going out, but it seems as if dating life is getting more complicated.

Now, I'm the last one to sell someone short for being particular (many of you know I'm not particular at all), but whatever happened to the time-tested practice of conscious deception? I'm not telling you to lie about your age, name, or size but hey, omitting the fact that you hate indie rock after he surprises you with tickets to see TV on the Radio, or pretending to enjoy Flight of the Concords when watching late at night on her couch, hurts you far less than the truth would bother the other party (especially if watching it gets you to business time).

One of my favorite TV shows is How I met Your Mother which comes on CBS Monday nights at 8:30. Aside from the fact that Neil Patrick Harris (Douggie Hauser) plays and incredible character on the show, and is more generally the man, I love the show because it provides a refreshing take on modern relationships without the cynicism usually reserved by my generation. On the show, the main character, Ted, gets engaged to his girlfriend, played by the awkward chick from Scrubs (Elliot). Ted loves Star Wars and could not picture his life with a wife who could not share in this love. He shows the film to Elliot for the first time, and she says she loves it too. Ted is happy. It matters not, that she actually hated the film because, as we later find out, she loves Ted enough to deceive him for the rest of his life.

Deception can be a positive tool. "Does this make me look fat?" No. "Don't you just love that pet sweater?" Well...probably no, but if you are hot enough then maybe on your dog. Deception can be great. Maybe, I was out of touch with this dating principle. On the next date, constructive. deception will rule supreme. There are some more specifics to report definitely a cutie or two on the horizon, but not the time in which to do it so until next time keep your dates guessing with smoke and mirrors.