Before I get into today’s subject matter I wanted to share a story from this past weekend with the congregation. I was at a house warming party for Nee and I saw a classic situation of a guy being a douche bag. Thinking back upon my own words about asshole guys from earlier in the week, I decided to try to play the hero and step in to run interference on the conversation, especially considering the fact that the damsel in this case was Awkward Runner. I did manage to successfully liberate Awk-runner from the fool she was talking to but in the subsequent conversation, I drunkenly word-vomited all over the place and somehow upset her even more; so much so in fact, that she later wound up crying. I was too drunk to remember exactly what I said. If I had to guess, I think it was something to the effect of “You are way too cute to let that guy speak to you like that…well normally too cute, but maybe not in that particular dress”. Whoops. I guess the moral of the story is that even with douche-blocking intentions, the old adage; it takes one to know one, still holds true.
Let’s take a moment to talk for a second about the Gym: a relationship minefield. J-Lo copped a couple of free passes to his Gym, L.A. Fitness (La fitness to C-ee-poo), so I accompanied him to check it out and to get my proverbial swell on. This gym was one of those brand new, palatial deals, with a million bikes, treadmills, and a dance studio (with tons of window/mirrors…sweet). There were more good looking people in the gym that afternoon than had been out at any bar in the Illa the entire summer, save for when me and my peeps are heavy in the streets. All of the lovely distractions running around got me thinking: I really need to tone it up… and how do you successfully pull of the inter-gym relationship?
The first complication is everyone is sweaty and half naked (at J-lo’s gym ¾’s naked). You try not to get stare but it’s hard not to look, kind of like watching the Britney Spears “I’m a Slave” video…Youtube it, trust me.
The first key is to get someone’s attention without seeming to be A) a creeper and B) some Muscle Milked, sleeves optional (sorry Rogan), asshole. I’m a big fan of the ‘asking a person about an exercise they just did’ opener. This way you demonstrate respect for what they know athletically and you are neither creepy nor an ass. Asking for help with a semi-innocuous stretch is also ok, just no groin stretches. I used to think that asking for a spot was a decent opener, but that gets a bit tricky if you find your 250 pound self accidentally asking some 100 pound lovely to spot your bench press. Avoid direct physical compliments. For both men and women the gym is a very self-conscious time so although you may think that butt looks good in those shorts, s/he may think that their Easter hams are bursting from the oven.
Let’s assume that for some reason you lucked out, got past the gym convo, and are going to go out with someone from the gym. Talking about the gym is essentially off limits. ‘Single and Market’, you say, ‘We know better than that. That’s obvious’. Not true. Many a gym date has been placed on permanent injured reserve because of a 38 minute conversation about whether GNC or Vitamin World has better wheat grass juice. Anyway, you have to have something else in common to have any type of relationship, right? You see each other half naked all the time, so since that element of surprise is gone there better be some sort of bona-fide rapport or your relationship will go down as fast as an fat kid in dodge ball.
If you do get to an ahem,… private workout, grunting like Steffie Graff (tennis player who grunted a lot), is not going to get the job done. For the guys, I just hope that all that strength and stamina translates into more than a six minute mile time, and ladies, I hope that you have been dominating your downward facing dog. Watch out though. No one wants to switch gyms because they failed an off site workout. And be careful with whom you choose to stretch and grunt, nothing ruins a good workout like a bad partner.
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